My life, my rules, my attitude!!

What if's

2012-01-29T11:30:00.000-08:00

What if’s

The past two weeks of my life have gone by in a flash. From hearing I have cancer again to the additional tests, to the prognosis and treatment options and prescription. I could lie and say I have been fine and strong all along, but I won’t lie... this has been the scariest time for me.

This weekend I tried to switch my thoughts and feelings off – to just experience things as they were happening and doing what has to get done so I can start treatment this coming week and not have to worry about a thing if something terrible happened to me.

On Friday night I started getting my death folder ready, now before you close the page in disgust because it sounds like I’ve given up hope already – I haven’t. There are things that need to get done, people who need to know what to do in the event of death. A Will and Testament. Letters to friends. Funeral requests. Burial demands... Etc.

In no way could I get this done without thinking of the things that I still so desperately want to do with my life. The people whose lives I still want to touch and make better, even if just in the tiniest of ways.

These thoughts led to “What if??”

What if I never get to give my Mommy grandchildren?? (She so desperately wants one.)
What if I never get to hear my Dad say he’s proud of me?
What if I never get to hear Landie say I am her inspiration in life again?
What if I never get to look smugly in Morne v.T’s eyes as Chelsea beats Man U again?
What if I never get to tell Gary “I am sorry I couldn’t be what you needed me to be”?
What if I never get to watch a German Football game and drool over Podolski with Matthias looking on in disgust?
What if I never get to see Lumarc grow up into the wonderful guy this boy ought to be?
What if I never get to visit China with John?
What if I never get to run the Comrades with Mikey?
What if I never get to sip Vanilla Milk in Mexico with Dale?
What if I never get to go to a loud concert and scream with Kimberly?
What if I never get to watch Tarzan or just sit in a tree with Matt?
What if I never get to run 21.1k’s with Tanielle?
What if I never get to listen to an entire Collective Soul album with Scotty while we have a little chinwag as Salem shadows Bianca and Leelu relaxes in a corner?
What if I never get to see Mo get married?
What if I never get to have a beer and pretzels with Adele?
What if I never get to have a raw pizza with Fadeelah and Rogeema?
What if I never get to sit in the sun on a lazy day with Bennii, eating a Woolie’s Caramel yoghurt and talking about Unicorns?
What if I never get to have coffee with Karen as Scott plays us a song on his guitar?
What if I never get to tell Sue that she really is like sunshine to me?
What if I never get to give Leigh a hug and thank her for cheering me up when I needed it the most?
What if I never have a cup of Earl Grey with Deon as we discuss Paulo Coelho?
What if I never get to tell Jackie that even the littlest bit of time with her always makes me smile?
What if I never get to look Bronwynne in the eyes and tell her how she changes my perspective on things day by day?
What if I never get to go to a langarm sokkie with Monique and only bear Kurt Darren’s Kaptein that once?
What if I never get to cycle with Jason in one of his fundraising missions to improve the lives of kids?
What if I never get to tell Lea how amazingly special she is to me?
What if I never get to see Francois succeed in a miners hat or office, same diffs?
What if I never get to hear every little thing about Munch from Natalie and laugh myself silly at his cuteness?
What if I never get to give Andy a mahooooooooosive hug while doing a squat session?
What if I never get to hear Clare’s thoughts about the Paris Marathon as she finishes it?
What if I never get to laugh with Lucius over the coincidence of our names?

Some what if’s can’t even be mentioned... but these are the what if’s that have been bugging me all weekend!!

I want to turn all these what if’s into real moments in life.

I will fight with all I have inside of me to make my dreams come true one day!!

No more what if’s – I am alive, living, breathing sometimes singing with a bad voice!

I will not give up, I will not give in.
I’m taking a risk on happiness, are you?

Cancer is a word, not a sentence.

2012-01-20T01:21:00.000-08:00

The worst words you'll probably ever hear your Doctor say is: "You have cancer."
The second time around, you get an "Ugh, really??" attitude and deal with it as best you can.
The third time you hear the words "Sorry Lucille, it's back." it gets to you!
There isn't a reason for all the why's and how's, it happens. That is what Cancer is - something that just happens!!

I have recurrent AML, which means that there is a huge increase in myeloblasts (immature white blood cells) in my blood. On Tuesday I'm going for a spinal tap to determine whether or not the cancer has spread beyond the blood or not. Along with this they need to do a bone marrow aspiration and biopsy to test bone marrow for cancer and also Immunophenotyping to determine the subtype of AML.

The prognosis and treatment options depend on so many variables - so until we know for certain whether or not the cancer has spread beyond my blood, we won't know which steps will be taken to help combat this.

I got a message from my Oncologist early this morning that read: "See you later, we need a strategy to combat this evil beast and get rid of it once and for all!" ~ as simple as these words were, they made me smile and gave me hope. By knowing that he is as eager and willing to do anything to fight this thing with me makes me believe that it is possible.

To my friends, family and Tweeps who have sent messages of encouragement - Thank you!! To know that I have such an amazing support system behind me makes beating this even more possible in my mind.

I don't have much - but I will look Cancer in the eye one more time, with a fighting spirit in hand and bravery in my heart! I WILL beat this!!

Thank you for reading!
Many blessings! xx

Saved by the ~SUN~

2012-01-02T00:39:00.000-08:00

It is Monday, the 2nd of January 2012, the first new training day of the New Year and I woke up to the most glorious day in Johannesburg, South Africa! The sun was up early and the air was fresh and clean, a perfect morning for the dreaded 8km run on my training schedule.

We set off right before 5am, the mind was strong and my body felt willing and eager to complete this. I promised myself a lovely cold shower before I started and somehow through the heat that little promise completely held me through for the first 5km's - knees felt good, only on the downhill did I feel the little niggle in my right knee and forced myself to slow down some. I knew if I didn't I'd pretty soon need to start walking partly because of the pain and partly due to the ugly little devil of doubt knocking against the left prefrontal cortex of my brain (where most thinking occurs in individuals with a positive temperament).

The 'STOP'-sign in the picture above was on the corner of the 7km mark, around two more corners and I would reach the 8km mark - but as soon as my eyes fell on the word 'stop', my body felt like shutting down, I had just about convinced myself that this was it, this was as far as I was going to get today and then, the most amazing thing happened, the sun burst through the gap in the trees ahead and I felt a lump form in my throat ~ that was it for me. The sun reminded me of why I run, the sun was what I needed by that stop sign.

I looked at my running partner and smiled as he repeated the affirmation we recited to ourselves before embarking on our run at 4:45am this morning:

I run through the pain and right to the gain!

At this moment it dawned on me that maybe the stop sign wasn't a sign for me to stop and give up, maybe the stop sign was a sign for me to stop, look at the sun and realize that no matter how dark the road to the end point may seem - the gain at the end is worth every step of pain through the journey.

This idea spurred me on to finish and we kept going after 8km's. I finished a very slow 10km and went for a further 5km walk - I wanted to bask in the awesomeness of the moment, the realization of being alive and feeling the aching muscles, my screaming joints, my happy heart and the pure enjoyment of the beautiful day I have been spared to see.

My Heroes 2011

2011-12-30T22:58:00.000-08:00

I could go in depth into each and every one of these individuals and explain to you how truly remarkable I find them... but chances are if you're reading this you know most of them already.

For those featuring: Thank you for being my support system, my motivation, my inspiration. Without you none of my fitness/running/life goals for 2011 would ever have been reached!

It is an honor and a privilege to have connected with you!

Wishing you all the best for *2012*

Much Love:
Lucille

I got 99 problems but a BENCH ain't 1

2011-12-02T07:51:00.000-08:00

I'm bluffing.

The past few weeks I have dedicated every waking moment to preparing for a competition I wasn't sure I wanted to participate in. I couldn't run and thought it would be a good time to start working on my strength, it was enough for some of my powerlifting friends to suggest that I take part in this competition because "It'll be fun man".

Fun. Gmph. My muscles have been aching an screaming for release every day! I haven't been sleeping the way I was supposed to for the past 3 weeks, only getting 2 to 3 hours of sleep and then getting up and going again.

Tomorrow is the big day, I have committed myself to my goal for 6 weeks (that is longer than my last relationship lasted, just fyi) so it is obvious that this is important to me. The Intermittent Fasting (loss of 4,6% body fat in 4weeks), the massive amounts of protein I had to take in and of course, the endless hours of training will finally result in me either making a big entrance as an amateur competitor or make me fall flat on my face... I am hoping for the former. Seeing as I currently have this minor tear in my left pectoral, I'm hoping that whatever I do manage to bench, I will be happy with and not try to do too much and risk further injuring myself.

After this, well after this I am starting on a new journey, the journey of breaking the strength/speed theory :) I like running, but because I am strong and heavy I am not supposed to be able to run further than 15km's. Well, I love a challenge!! I was told I'd never bench 100kg's, I have... and I will again tomorrow!!

I got 99 problems but a bench ain't 1!!!!

The truth.

2011-11-28T10:30:00.000-08:00

This is raw.

This is real.

Most of you probably find a little bit of hair in your brush every day. It’s normal, as we shed hair to make space for regrowth, right? Not a big deal, right?

Scary how something as small as that, a little bit of hair that fell out as I ran my hand over my hair could resort to such an emotional meltdown. But it does…

I went through a stage after chemo that I didn’t shave or wax or pluck any hair on my body AT ALL. Gross right?? Makes you think of an Amazon lady… and hey, I might even have looked like it, but I didn’t care!! To see my hair grow back day by day was one of the most amazing gifts ever!!

Lately I have found myself looking back to that part of my life and I’ve been crying, crying because it doesn’t matter how much I think about it, I don’t really talk about it. I support Cancer Awareness, and I encourage people who go through chemo or any other treatment to talk to someone who has been there or is going through it with them. Hell, I even bake cupcakes for a Cancer support group.
But I don’t go…
I never talk to anyone.

There was an 8 year old girl, Amy, who went for chemo on the same days I did. She was 8 years old and had ovarian cancer. I remember us singing Blue October songs before we parted ways for the administering of our treatment on those Mondays. I became close to this little girl, because I thought it was so unfair of her to have to go through that. At least I had lived till in my 20’s, but how much was there still in store for her? I eventually entered remission for the first time. The next Thursday, Amy had died.

I thought I had gotten over my self-resentment. WHY did I live and this beautiful girl had to die??
I lived and a mother lost her child. I lived and somewhere in the world someone’s Dad, friend, husband, wife, son, family member died.

I know what you’re thinking. I lived because my work on earth is not done, I totally get that and I agree!! I have so much more to offer. I want to be a voice for people who never talk about these things. Everyone expects your life to just go back to normal afterwards, and it never does. There is this constant fear that you will relapse. That someone you love will have to face this and you won’t know how to be there for them.

I know I don’t talk about this much, but I had to tonight. I realize that I do have unresolved feelings that I need to work through and I just joined the support group. I am strong, but sometimes strength comes through unity and I need people with similar experiences to share this with.

I am strong, but maybe for once I need to be weak and accept that I need to deal with this.

Thank you for reading.

Life goes on...

2011-11-25T19:32:00.000-08:00

Today is the 13th month of my survivorship...doesn't sound like as big a deal as being in remission for a year, and yet, I still get this warm feeling in my heart thinking about the wonder of life.

This past month has been a genuine test of my strength. I have realized that there is a difference between having a positive attitude and having a fighting attitude. I have been so busy fighting: fighting to stay healthy, fighting to realize my dreams, fighting to unbreak my heart and fighting to free my mind of all the "but what if"'s. I was so busy smiling that I forgot that it is okay to experience severe episodes of being human. It is okay to tell people when they are mistreating you. It is okay to not be all bouncy and happy 24/7. It is okay to doubt the sincerity of people. It is okay to not get along with everyone. It is okay to have chocolate when you feel like the walls are closing in on you. It is okay to suck at karaoke. It is okay to develop feelings for someone. It is okay to be a little insecure. It is okay to be okay with being okay when someone asks how you are doing. And it is perfectly okay to say "FUCK" from time to time!!

By being "okay" for the past month doesn't mean my dreams have changed and it doesn't mean I don't still wake up and smile when I see the sunshine, or the rain, or even the misty air.

I have been so busy developing this fighting spirit that I forgot to give any attention to my positive mindset. The positive side of me that is still training despite my dodgy knee - finding another sport to participate in instead of running till my knee is completely healed. The positive side of me that is still encouraging friends to be their best. The positive side of me that finally found the courage to let go of the greatest heartache of my young life. The positive side of me that takes rejection in my stride, learns from it and uses it to enrich my life.

I have been too busy fighting to see that by being positive I'd still have been awesome.

Yes, life does go on ~ Turning all the why's into why not's. The no's into maybe's. I wanted to's into I will's.

I am done fighting.

I declare peace on myself, my journey, my life.

One Year

2011-10-25T12:41:00.001-07:00

(image by Nick Birch)

Today, I can finally, officially say that I am a Survivor.

The path that has lead to this amazing victory over a Cancer that very few people walk away from hasn’t always been easy. There has been hardships and trials, the occasional questioning of whether or not I will ever really have the life back that I had before, and the stupid follow up examinations.

Today, I’m not going to say anything about those – they had their place and made me stronger. Made me better. Made me dream bigger.

My faith has carried me through all of this, has kept me strong and I thank God Almighty for each breath and each new moment of life I’ve been given.

I dedicate this blog to all of YOU.
The people in my life.

Mamma – Mams was daar deur elke oomblik, van begin tot einde. Soms 2uur in die oggend opgestaan om vir my Purity te gee omdat ek te swak was om te eet. Vir al die duisende gebede, die sterk staan, ure se geduld om vir uitslae te wag. Die trane afvee, die versekering dat wanneer ek glimlag en GLO – enige iets moontlik is!! - DANKIE

Dr. Awesome – thank you for never giving up!! Thank you for believing in my recovery, sometimes even more than I did!! Thank you for the visualization exercises – getting my mind right and inspiring me to see myself better. The world needs more doctors like you. The type that won’t hesitate to drive through to a patient’s home at night to ensure everything is perfect. The type that will reschedule appointments to make it to the administering of the chemo. I am blessed to have found you!! – THANK YOU

Gary & Matthias – the special English German bro’s (no I didn’t pick Gary above you Matt, E comes before G) Thank you for all the doctors visits you made through with me. The late night calls when I felt I couldn’t hold on. The tough manliness when I needed it and the precious Shakespeare readings when I couldn’t sleep. From brushing my teeth to opening my curtains to see the sun – THANK YOU.

Sheld’s – Awe mase kinnes (Is that right??) You’ve been such a light point to me the past few months, gosh always ready with a joke, your Mom’s Biryani and Jelly Babies, much to my detriment!! – THANK YOU

My Twitter honeys – I can honestly say that not a day has gone by without you influencing my life. Thinking of you as I type this, I have a massive smile through my tears. You make me laugh, make me cry, make me rethink the wonders of the world. I haven’t gone through anything this past year without your encouragement, your positive vibes and your awesomeness!! The Running Mafia from Cape Town, yup, you all know who you are – gosh you have changed my life, my training goals, my perspective of what a runner is!! Bennii – your passion, your guidance and for never failing to make me smile, I owe you a Woolie’s Caramel Yoghurt Twomie!!

Taryn, farm lady :) thank you for dressing all your critters in orange and taking pics for me and thank you for Maximus, it’s cool to be a BabyDaddy even of a rat!!

Mels, our journey hasn’t been that long – but I’ve got you babe!! All my other Cape Town people, thank you for keeping the Mountain awesome!! I will plant my feet on your shores very soon – this heart beats like this CTCTCTCT. To my fitness folk and motivators in Jhb – we’re bloody strong and we rock!! Good girls tone, bad girls LIFT!! The few overseas followers, thank you for making me laugh with your silly jokes!! To the other followers, who may think I never see your Tweets – I do, I promise and I am moved by all of you!! – THANK YOU all for keeping me positive and in your thoughts through the tough times and celebrating with me in the good times!! Thanks for even laughing at my lame jokes!!!!

Out of this group of fabulous people, I’d like to give a special thank you to Chris Metzler – guy who has been on my TL the longest, who inspires – motivates and even coaches!! THANK YOU for being there for me this entire year!! You are a wonderful mentor and friend.

To the new friends I have made – I salute you!! You rock and make every day a blessed and special one!! No life is complete without the kindness and care of true friends!!

A MASSIVE THANK YOU TO YOU ALL

I Run ~ I Live ~ I Am

2011-10-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

I run to my own beat

Whether it is on country road, grass or paved street.

Pitbull and David Guetta sound in my ears.

With every step, I defeat my fears.

Sweat trickling down my face,

Shuffling on mentored pace.

With increasing breath I clear my mind,

Leaving the entire world behind.

I use the wind to guide my feet

I run to my own beat!!

Lucille Swart ~ 17/10/2011

I'm a Survivor

2011-10-17T03:38:00.000-07:00

On the 26th of October I will be in remission for 1 year (that is 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525, 600 minutes, 31, 536, 000 seconds).

Although I have to miss a race I have been looking so forward to for this day, I am also going for my 1 year survivorship follow up examination on the 26th - just to confirm that I am still in health (and I am so no worries!!)

But that is not what this blog is about...

To all my readers, followers, friends... I have a small request.

If I have touched your life in any way, if ever I said a word that motivated you, inspired you or just made you smile ~ would you please wear an orange ribbon for Leukemia on the 26th of October to raise awareness of this cancer??

Sadly, these ribbons aren't for sale and you would have to make one, but it is literally as easy as buying 10cm or even less (or more if you'd like to make some for your family and friends) of ribbon and shaping it in the ribbon form, put a pin through and stick it on your shirt!!

Thank you in advance!!

Start a ripple...

2011-08-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

“When we focus our energy towards constructing a passionate, meaningful life, we are tossing a pebble into the world, creating a beautiful ripple effect of inspiration. When one person follows a dream, tries something new or takes a daring leap, everyone nearby feels that energy, and before too long they are making their own daring leaps and inspiring yet another circle.”

We have all had crazy dreams, dreams that turned into goals and some of these goals that even turned into reality. A crazy dream that has become your passion, your life's work. Somehow you have turned fantasy into reality.

The world doesn't need more things that make sense, the world needs people who have absolutely crazy ideas, people who are willing to do anything and everything to see to it that they reach their goals.

I am convinced that what we need is more people who will tell us to reach for that star no matter how far it seems. Just that someone who is nagging at you to be your absolute best.

So here goes...

You are not normal. Normal sounds nice, but normal is boring...

You are extraordinary!!

Your ideas are brilliant.

You have what it takes to be the absolutely best you, you could possibly be!!

Stand apart, be your special self!!

Look in the mirror and see your own superb awesomeness!!

Start a ripple!!

Forgiveness...

2011-08-14T13:05:00.000-07:00

I don’t forgive people because I’m weak. I forgive people because I’m strong enough to know that people make mistakes.

Tuesday ~ 09/08/11 Training

2011-08-09T06:52:00.000-07:00

Cardio

Early morning 30min run

Afternoon Workout

10 min stationary bike warm up (Cardio)

Box Jumps, 3 sets, 10 reps (Plyometrics)

Jump Rope, 3 sets, 60 secs (Cardio)

Standing Barbell Military Press, 3 sets, 8 reps (Shoulders)

Standing Side Raise with resistance band, 3 sets, 10 reps (Shoulders)

Standing Dumbbell Front Raise, Alternating Arms, 3 sets, 10 reps (Shoulders)

Lat Pulldowns, 3 sets, 12 reps (Back)

Laying on Ball Abdominal Crunch, 3 sets, 30 reps (Abs)

Core

20 min Core exercises for abdominals, obliques and lower back

Cool Down

Stretching muscle groups worked for the day

I am a woman of strength...

2011-08-08T23:29:00.000-07:00

"A strong woman

knows she has strength enough for the journey,

but a woman of strength knows it is in the journey

where she will become strong."

Happy Women's Day South Africa!!

Training for Today: 05/08/2011

2011-08-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

FRIDAY

CARDIO

20min HIIT Treadmill

20min HIIT Stationary Bike

10min HIIT Elliptical Trainer

RESISTANCE

Seated Dumbbell Military Press (Alternating Arms) - 3sets, 8reps - Shoulders

Seated Dumbbell Side Raise Both Arms - 3sets, 12reps - Shoulders

Seated Front Raise - 3sets, 10 reps - Shoulders

Laying on Ball Dumbbell Prone Cobras - 2sets, 12reps - Back

Standing Wide Grip Low Rows with Band - 3sets, 8reps - Back

Jump Rope - 2sets, 30sec - In between Cardio component

Laying on Ball Abdominal Crunch with Cable - 3sets, 20reps - Abs

Laying on Ball Abdominal Crunches Hands Straight Up - 3sets, 30reps - Abs

FLEXIBILITY

Front of body shoulder stretch

Upper back stretch

Lying Abdominal Stretch

Runner's Calf Stretch

New journey, new ways

2011-08-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

I am pretty new to the fitness world (10 months to be exact). I played sports in school and have always had a passion about muscles - how they work, contract, release etc. Only through my illness have I discovered the importance of fitness, which I was never overly concerned about while growing up.

For the past 10 months however, I have been training super hard. Some people (yes, you) might say I've been over training, but I have only been doing what makes me feel good, what makes me feel alive.

10 months, a loss of 40 kg and numerous clothing sizes later, and I am finally ready to take things to a whole new level.

Through a friend, close but far, I have discovered a few new products and am only sharing this because I am going to be giving it a shot - starting today.

API ROCKED - I have the Grape one, doesn't taste bad and really gets you pumped and ready for your training session!! (I started off with one scoop today, and WOWZER, still buzzing!)

API WHEY PROTEIN (ultra low carb) - For pre and post workout and this protein shake actually tastes like vanilla and doesn't stick to the inside of your mouth like other brands tend to.

SIX STAR CREATINE X3 ELITE SERIES - by the makers of MUSCLETECH. I'm new to the whole creatine thing so will definitely keep you up to date on the changes in my body, but I can say that this actually tastes like it says it will!!

Next week I will be getting OxyELITE Pro as a Fat burner to use with these products, to get better results of course.

These products combined with my hell bent on leather approach to prove that the body can function brilliantly without simple, refined carbs should bring about good results.

I will share every step of this journey with you!!

Remember My Name

2011-08-05T05:06:00.000-07:00

I CAN

2011-08-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

"Your biggest challenge isn't someone else.

It's the ache in your lungs and the burning in your legs,

and the voice inside you that yells "I can't", but you don't listen.

You just push harder.

And then you hear the voice whisper:

"CAN".

And you discover that the person you thought you were

is no match for the one you really are."

I run for me

2011-08-04T06:36:00.000-07:00

The tap, tap, tap of my feet against the road, the quickened breathing and focused look on my face - pushing myself, driving myself with each step to do better than the last one... This is my time to think, my time to reflect, my answer to life's pressing issues - I RUN.

Most people will tell you that they like to run in a crowd, to run with people who will encourage them, cheer them on to go that extra km... for me, however, it is the exact opposite. I like running on my own.
I don't care about time. I don't care about people cheering me on, I am my own cheerleader. I don't run against time, I run against myself.

My effort may not be the same as yours, but it is my best (I never give any less).

Every day I put my running shoes on it liberates me, frees me. I am not shackled to my couch.
I move because I am alive.

I run for me.

HEY YOU!!

2011-07-08T03:43:00.000-07:00

Yes, you.

Stop being unhappy with yourself.

You are perfect.

Stop wishing you looked like someone else.

Stop trying to get attention from those who hurt you.

Stop hating your body, your face, your personality, your quirks.

Love them, without those you wouldn’t be you, and why would you want to be anyone else?

Be confident with who you are.

SMILE.

It’ll draw people in.

If anyone hates on you because you are happy with yourself then stick your middle finger in the air and say “screw it”.

My happiness will not depend on others anymore.

I’m happy because I love who I am.

I love my flaws.

I love my imperfections.

They make me ME,

and ‘ME’ is pretty amazing.

Make your passion, your life!!

2011-07-07T01:24:00.000-07:00

Anything you want to achieve in life is yours, all you have to do is make the conscious decision to do something about your dreams!! Stop waiting for a hero to come and save you, be your own bloody hero!!

Be your passion...
Make your passion, your life!!

Smarties... Hardcore, rock chicks on the outside...sweet on the inside

2011-07-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

I never get along with women...ever!!
Pretty strong opening line huh?? But it is for real. I have a lot of male friends, it has always been that way. I have never been able to get along with any woman (besides my Mom) for a very long period of time...

I met Jax at HFPA on the 5th of February this year, and we just clicked. We love the same things... fitness, fun, tattoos, good music and bad boys...

Jax accepted me just the way I am from that very first day. I have never needed to watch my mouth or to filter my thoughts when I am with her. Somehow, even if we don't speak everyday, I know that she'll always be there for me ~ and that whenever I need her she'll come running (in her pink&white Adidas running shoes).

I would gladly take a bullet for this lady!!

Jax, thanks for being such a wonderful friend!! Thank you for talking some sense into me at times when I need it most - and being my friend at senseless times (3am the next morning) when I keep repeating the words "never ever ever ever ever again." and then make plans for next time!! haha.

You ROCK!! You are an inspiration to me, I admire your strength, your class and your dedication!
You are going to make one kick ass Fitness Model!!

Love ya!!

Smarties... Hardcore, rock chicks on the outside...sweet on the inside

I forgot to say, I care...

2011-07-04T10:10:00.000-07:00

It has been a while...

Recently I have been drowning in "What if"...
What if is an emotion too you know?? Because those two words placed together can be the start of taking a chance you have been needing to take OR it can have disastrous consequences.

I am done with all of that.
I am sitting here, in the dark, 6:45 pm on a Monday night... thinking... over thinking...

It surprises me to see how we always have this issue of letting go. It is not because we don't know that we are better off without the bad stuff, but the idea of letting go makes us feel like we have lost. That just maybe something will happen to make this moment pass (it won't by the way).

I don't tell people how I feel, I am still dealing with this bruise inside my chest cavity where my heart used to be some time ago, and I am sure as hell not ready to fill it with rejection. It is not that I don't give a damn, I do, hell I may even be in love with you - you will never know. :)

You cannot tell me how much you care for me one day and pretend I don't exist the next. I see what you do with other people, I will not be one of them honey!! I refuse! If you want to play this game, you have to be prepared to lose. I can't be a people pleaser, I am not an emotion-prostitute, you can't play with my feelings and pay me with your messed up attitude!! I will not allow it!

Even though, this is pretty much my goodbye to you - oh and I do suck with goodbye's (there's nothing good about saying bye) - I just need you to know...

I forgot to say I CARE.

EIGHT MONTHS IN REMISSION!!!

2011-06-26T04:44:00.000-07:00

Life is just beautiful on this incredible Sunday.

I woke up with the biggest smile on my face this morning, just knowing that today I celebrate my eighth month in remission!!

In these past eight months my life has changed completely!! I have met so many people who inspire me daily. People who have been motivating me, reassuring me and sharing their awesomeness with me.

Today is a day of gratitude and that is all this post is about.

THANK YOU to each and every one of you who have touched my life, my heart these past eight months!! Thank you for your part in my recovery.

I am blessed beyond measure!

"Because without the bitter, baby, the sweet ain't as sweet."

2011-06-08T02:36:00.000-07:00

I WILL FIGHT!

I WILL WIN!!

I WILL SURVIVE!!!

I FOUGHT, I WON, I AM SURVIVING!!

First thing Doc J said when I walked into his office: “You have to be the luckiest person on earth”, no questions asked I started crying, tears of JOY!! I am still in remission from Leukemia, no cancerous white blood cells to be found anywhere!! He prescribed me an antibiotic to see if we can stabilize my white blood count and I took that prescription with a huge smile on my face!! Antibiotics vs chemo, hmmm tricky or NOT!! I am glad that I chose not to bring my BB Gun with as a resource to force him into giving me good news instead of bad...

I am absolutely elated. Out of my skin happy to still be alive!! To let my smile burst into laughter!!

I believe in the attitude of gratitude, in some ways I believe that is a big part of what keeps me going everyday!!

I would like to thank everyone for their support and encouragement this past week. When you have so many people around to remind you to stay positive, that’s what you do, you draw on your positive reserves and you face life. This morning, I was ready to take on the world. Something just told me to be brave, to keep going no matter what the outcome will be.

To my Twitter friends, you guys have just SO been there. You were the ones having to deal with my venting at times, tough job, but you stuck through it... Thank you for all your kind words, your thoughts and your prayers. The fact that I have never met most of you doesn’t matter at all!! Wherever you are, you were there for me and for that I will be eternally grateful!

To my loyal and supportive friends that have bombarded me with phone calls, BBM messages, sms’s, Vanilla Milk, black olives and even chocolates (I don’t care how wrong that is), I thank you!! I love you guys so much. It is through tough times like these that you get to see who your true friends are! I would gladly do the same for each one of you.

To my Parents, what a tough week!! Having to deal with the date of my brother’s birthday on the 4^th of June and knowing he’s not here anymore... dealing with my sisters 12^th year anniversary of passing away on the 6^th of June and the emotional knocks we had to take dealing with the fact that I could be sick again. I salute you!! You are the best parents I could ever have asked for! We’ve been through a lot, so let’s make the rest of this year the best for all of us!!

~~~

This whole experience reminded me of my first diagnosis, my first prognosis that I will not live longer than 3 months, the longest time they gave me was 7months...that was 32 months ago! If I gave up hoping I would never have made it this far. For all the sufferers out there who are barely holding on to that last string of hope...keep holding on!! Don’t let your mind give up!

I will continue doing my best to raise Leukemia and other Cancer Awareness. I will keep encouraging people to donate blood and to become bone marrow donors. I pledge my life to the cause!!

I have learnt that I have to be brave in my life, so that other people can be brave in theirs!!

Thank you for reading, if you need any information on how to become a bone marrow donor, please contact me via email: lessmoaningmoreliving@gmail.com

Thank you all for being a part of my journey!!

To quote Vanilla Sky: “Because without the bitter, baby, the sweet ain't as sweet.”

Time itself does not WAIT...

2011-06-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

You have to love the irony of life: Yesterday I went for my spinal tap to see whether the Leukemia is back or not - on the exact same day my sister passed away 12 years ago!! As sentimental as this fact is to me, the only thing I can think of is 12 years?? You've got to be kidding me!! It's like she was still cheering me on at a Netball game...yesterday!

Yesterday was a day filled with pain, emotional and physical (if you've ever had a headache...try these ones).
This morning I decided to go to the gym, regardless of the headache, just to get back on the horse, so to speak. No use in not training for another day, although I took it calmly, I was there and that must count for something right?? I had a friend come over to greet me while I was warming up, asked me "What the hell are you doing here chick? Aren't you waiting to hear about your results?"

This made me wonder:
Should waiting for my results prevent me from living now?
Should I stop life just because I am waiting for results that could possibly end the way I'm thinking right now?
I think not...

Yes, the possibility of a relapse is there, but so is the possibility of me still being healthy.
I choose to live with a positive mindset.
I choose to be happy.
I choose to stop waiting on anything!!

Do I still think about it? Well of course, but I am thinking of ways to beat this thing, not in ways that I can wallow because I am sick - not that I have anything against wallowing, it's just not my thing!

Right now, all over the world there are sick kids in hospitals waiting for a heart, a kidney, a liver transplant.
People waiting for a bone-marrow transplant.
Kids waiting for food.
People waiting for the love of their life to return from war...

When I think of those.. then this tiny wait till my tests Wednesday, is absolutely nothing.
I am alive, I am living and while I'm living I'll be dancing, singing and jumping for joy!!

There's no use in waiting, when time itself does not wait!!

You have to BELIEVE!!

2011-06-05T00:38:00.000-07:00

Finally.
I am taking a moment to sit down and sort through my feelings, which, altogether range from being angry to hope to fear to this overwhelming sadness.

I went for a CBC on Thursday, it just being a normal checkup and since I've been trying everything to avoid it, I knew it was time. On Friday morning Doc J phoned me, asked me in a very serious tone to please go see him as soon as I possibly could...from experience, those words have never meant anything good to me, ever. Panic struck and the first person I told was my running mentor and friend, *CM*.

I won't bore you with the whole conversation, but it pretty much went like this...
*CM*: So when are your test results out?!
ME: He just phoned to say I must please go in. I don't want my mind to run away with me, but this can't be good.
*CM*:What?!
*CM*: Maybe it's just routine?!
*CM*: Don't stress until you have the facts!
ME: I know
ME: But has a doctor ever phoned to say you must go in for a fun chitchat??
*CM*: Noooo...
*CM*: (Expletive!!)
*CM*: Ok so you're stressing me out!

The rest of said conversation was pretty much him telling me to get some tea...and in the end it was he who needed the tea the most.

After stressing him and myself out, I decided to try and calm myself down. Of course now thinking of my Mom and friends, and even my Personal Trainer complaining about me being pale for a few weeks...
I decided to text Doc J. in a fun, jokingly manner asked him: "So, this isn't a sick plot for you to just see me, right?" ~ Needless to say, he admitted to giving a chuckle at my sense of humour, but that was in fact not the case.

Upon arriving at his practise, I had this Nurse walk me to his door, giving me the "Oh Shame" look ((frustrating)) to say the least. I never want to have anyone give me the "oh shame" look!! You don't give someone who has been through Leukemia, relapsed, and into remission for 7 months, the "oh shame" look!!

Doc. J had me sit down, asked how I was, and after I told him to just get to the point, he walked around his desk with a stack of papers (I assumed it was my test results) and this worried look on his face. Of course he was very doctorly and smiled trying to put me at ease.

What he showed me was staggering, my white blood count is extremely high and Doc J. suspects a relapse.
I have to go for a spinal tap tomorrow (Monday) so they can test my CSF for cancerous white blood cells. :(
As soon as those words left his mouth, my high spirits just dropped. How can I be positive, try and convince little kids that they will be okay, if right now, I don't even have that hope??

Fast Forward to the present moment.
This has been an emotional weekend, I wanted to have fun before the doom and gloom of this week approaches. I want to LIVE, truly live without limits. Yes, I have been living, but soon enough routine sets in and you forget to have fun!! You diet, deprive yourself of chocolate ~ you train extra hard to reach your goals, and you study like you're writing that stupid test tomorrow!! I've forgotten about me. I have forgotten that I matter to myself. I haven't read a book in ages!! I love reading. I haven't been playing guitar. I love music.
I've forgotten about me.

I hope, I pray, I believe that the results will be good. if, and I wrote it in small letters, if I am sick again, if those ridiculously multiplying white blood cells contain cancer again - I will deal with it then!!
The tiny seed of doubt in my heart hurts, but I choose to fill my days with laughter, fun, friendship, family, love, joy, pleasure, excitement, faith.

Psalm 139:23-24 ~

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

To all those fighting, to all those who have fought and lost, and to all those who have fought and survived ~ My Heart, my Thoughts, my Love forever more!!

You have to BELIEVE!!

Rocking life like a PRO!!

2011-05-31T00:38:00.000-07:00

First thought I get when I hear Brad Brown's name being mentioned is the thought of getting home after a good morning run on a Sunday, listening to his morning show on 94.7 and laughing at his wise cracks in studio.

When I think of Brad Brown, I think of a man who has had much to overcome and the famous quote by Booker T. Washington comes to mind:

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.

On Sunday, 29 May 2011, Brad ran the Comrades ~ completed the race with a smile on his face!!

(Brad at the Finish Line)

This hero with lots of heart and determination was kind enough to answer ALL the questions I posted to him.

L: You DID it!! You finished the Comrades! Was the first thought you thought when you reached the end a profound one? What was it?
B: I can't remember one specific thought going through my mind. Had tons of things going through my head, but the main thing that swept over me was relief. For the most part I was just relieved it was over. Its a long way to run and I was just happy to not have to anymore because I was really sore.

L: What have you taken from this race? Would you do it again?
B: Once again I'm amazed at the strength of the human body. Your mind gives in way before your body does and if you can master your mind you can overcome so many things. I will go back and do the down run next year from Pietermaritzburg to Durban. That was the one I didn't finish last year so I need to go back and get it done. I think then I'll be ready to call it quits with Comrades.

L: You've been doing tons of races, know this question has been asked to death, but WHY do you run?
B: First and foremost it is the best way to lose weight and keep weight off. There are tons of other benefits too, the endorphins that kick in after a run are something else. I don't think I can live without them. Overall I just feel better about myself when I run and I like that.

L: Is it good for you to know that you inspire others? Does it still come as a shock when people say they're inspired by you? Or are you now able to take it as a compliment and respond to it in that way?
B: I love that what I've done inspires people. I wouldn't say I'm shocked by it but I am humbled. Its a very weird dynamic when people are inspired by something someone else has done or achieved. It is difficult to explain but for me, the person who has done it, it really doesn't feel that big. Yes it was hard at times but it is not impossible. Someone looking at it from the outside thinks there is no way I could do that when in fact they can. All they need to do is make the decision to do it because where the mind goes the body follows.

L: If you could give anyone a reason to start running what would it be?
B: Its an awesome way to feel good about yourself. The awesome part is you don't have to run a race like Comrades to get the benefits. 30 minutes a day is all it takes.

L: You do life like a PRO!! What motivates you? What keeps you moving?
B: I let things go for a long time (that is how you get to 165kgs) and I never want to go back to where I was. Being fit and healthy is a habit and so is being fat and unhealthy. It is easy to slip into either.

L: Would you mind sharing your favourite quote?
B: 'The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses, in the gym and out on the road long before I dance under those lights." Mohammed Ali

I am incredibly humbled and inspired by Brad's passion and vigour for life!!

Brad Brown is more than a DJ, more than a RUNNER, more than a PHILANTHROPIST...

He is a HERO!!

He has made it possible for me to see the strength of the human spirit, shown me that there are no barriers in life ~ if something prevents you from getting to your goal, destroy it!!

Brad Brown rocks life like a PRO!!

Life doesn't have a "Complaint" box

2011-05-27T02:40:00.000-07:00

All through this month of May I found something to complain about, it felt like life threw me a new curve ball every week and that all of a sudden my hand-eye cordination sucked!! - I was sure to let everyone know how completely unimpressed I was with the way things were going for me...

Yesterday, 26th of May celebrated my 7th month in remission with Leukemia...and I MISSED IT!! I got so caught up in complaining about all the things that went wrong this month that I forgot to look at the wonderful things in my life. I am blessed with a solid family who stands behind me, I have the most amazing friends who support me and all in all my health is better than it has been the last five years!!

It just made me realize that somehow we always find a way to let the bad things in life overshadow the good parts!! Sunshine is much brighter than darkness, but we need the darkness to see the stars.

It doesn't matter how much we do it, complaining gets us nowhere!! Get up, put on your big girl panties and face the world!! ~ Life doesn't have a complaint box, save it!!

I am done complaining!!

Life is bloody good!!

I'm no Super Hero...

2011-05-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

I haven’t blogged in a while... guess I’m much worse at these things than I thought I would be!!

Lately I have felt like my “mojo” is missing; don’t know if someone stole it or if I forgot it in the gym shower stall after a heavy training session. If it wasn’t for the fact that I feel I will not make it through a day without exercise, I would probably not have exercised this past week.

I have been receiving many emails congratulating me on winning the battle with Leukemia. I have had people tell me that I am a huge inspiration to them, that I make their problems seem tiny in comparison. I don’t mean to do that, we all have a different view on reality. Something small to you may be humongous to me and vice versa.

In the past month I have been sick with a stupid cold due to overtraining, almost set the house on fire and went through a painful tooth extraction. With that I also had to deal with my failure to back things up and I lost most of the assignments I have already done – tragedy averted, everything is redone and backed up.

To you, the above may seem like useless information – to me it proves a point.

Beating Leukemia is a huge thing, every day is a battle in its own, but it doesn’t all of a sudden give me super hero powers. I am still human, I still go through things physically and emotionally the way you or anyone else does. I make silly jokes and laugh at equally silly jokes. Yes, I have my moments of profound wisdom (Guess I just learnt how to turn my wounds into wisdom), but underneath it all I am still a 23 year old dealing with life the best way I can.

That is all.

Be Grateful!!

2011-04-29T10:22:00.001-07:00

We don't meet very many people through our lifetimes who genuinely care... so if you are fortunate enough to find a friend who will stand with you through all the good times, the bad times, when you get sick or just being silly... someone that loves you no matter the distance or circumstances that separate you, who respects you, trusts you, makes you laugh - THANK them, often!!

This IS my normal!!

2011-04-29T10:20:00.001-07:00

I keep thinking I have to do 'this' and do 'that' to have a 'normal' life ~ thing is, as long as I'm the main character of my life's tale, it's never going to be normal, I'm never going to be normal!!

Life shapes you, makes you whole in some ways and gives you a few dents in others. Never being normal used to scare me, but I'm crazy and weird and funny, I am ME.

This IS my normal and I'm perfectly happy with it!! :D

Focus. Believe. Achieve

2011-04-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

The winter is creeping ever closer in South Africa. Leaves have gone golden brown and some trees are already standing in their naked glory, welcoming the early morning chill, thankful for every touch of sunshine on their branches...

As beautiful as autumn is, I miss summer. I miss being able to get up at 3:30am and just GO. It has become increasingly harder to not press the snooze button in the morning, harder to convince myself that the cold air will do my body good.

Anyone who has been training for a couple of years (not a recreational exerciser and twice a month does not count) will tell you that autumn/winter is the best time to train. Not only are the gyms all empty because people prefer to sit under a blanket at home and watch tv all night, but you can push yourself that much harder, faster, further. You can set your intensity higher and not be as concerned about you burning out so soon as your perceived rate of exertion changes.

In theory, all of that sounds good...my body does not agree however. These past two weeks Johannesburg has been really cold and rainy, for someone who loves the sun it has been a miserable time. I have to set reminders to drink water because I don’t get thirsty as much, I have to remind myself to eat otherwise I just won’t make anything. I have to work harder during a warm up then I would in summer and that takes an extra ten minutes out of my day. ~ It isn’t all bad though.... I started a Fat Loss Exercise Programme that someone I recently met (see left side of page for In Shape Training) recommended and have been on it since Thursday a week ago. I have lost 4kg’s and 2.7% body fat (yup that’s not a typo) in 6 days time. I hit a plateau a few weeks ago so this was a refreshing change!! If these results are anything to measure the winter by... then I say bring it on!! I’m ready!!

Get your mind focussed.
Believe in yourself, believe in your goal.
Achieve.

I am who I am...

2011-04-18T01:34:00.000-07:00

For quite some time I had no idea what I wanted to be when I ‘grew up’. As a young girl my answer to that question would’ve been that I want to be a policeman. I grew up, luckily noticed that I wasn’t equipped to become a policeMAN and was completely put off by it!!

I finished my high school career in 2005 and decided to study IT. What a mistake!! I did well, which is surprising as I never opened a book to study. Even after graduation I had to face the hard fact that this was indeed not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Studying IT has taught me one thing though ~ it doesn’t matter what the box looks like on the outside, if the inside isn’t functioning properly the box in its entirety will NOT work.

I went on to work for an ISP, worked mad hours and was never satisfied. In October of 2008 I was diagnosed with Leukemia. Thinking about it now makes me smile, because despite of the amazingly hard time I went through, despite having lost my hair, despite losing friends and someone I thought I loved, despite not having a life – Leukemia gave me courage to keep going, it instilled the gut factor back inside me, it led me to my ultimate dream ~ I want to help people.

Anyone who is currently suffering or has suffered from any kind of cancer will tell you that it is not fun!! It’s not easy to keep going and every smile requires so much strength – to get stronger you have to keep on smiling though. I was fortunate enough to have been able to hold onto my positive nature, I decided to live instead of giving up to this monster. I had cancer, but promised myself that cancer would NEVER have me!!

This is my fifth month in remission from Leukemia. Everything I had to go through in life brought me to this point, the point where I swore I would never give up, never give in...EVER!!

I am currently studying towards my Diploma in Exercise Science so that I can move onto studying Cancer Wellfit Training and help people who are in the same position I was in, to see that through proper diet and exercise you can turn your life around. It is important to remember that the inside must be functioning properly for you to get better, and work towards achieving your life goals.

My blog will be dedicated to my training in becoming a better version of the me I was previously. I will share tips and tricks and important things that you need to know in conditioning your body.

I am a Cancer Survivor, I am a fighter, and I am who I am!!

Thank you for reading; I look forward to sharing my life with you.

Lucille

P.S - Be sure to check out my friend's blog also www.cassthetrainer.blogspot.com